Trying to Hook Up While on the Bus

After my excursion to the Bronx Zoo, I catch the Bx39 to go home. The bus was unusually full and after making my way to the back, I walk into the motions of a modern day Don Juan trying to hook up with a young lady. Here is how it went.

The dude started yapping away that he could guess her age. Bad enough he tried that tact, which by the way never leads to anything positive, he was way off on her age. About 10 years too many. He said she was 30 when she was actually 20. Figuring the young lady would like an older man, he told her he was 32. He actually looked closer to 40. I can say that since I check ID's and I have a better sense of guessing ages. But I digress. She told him that she wasn't interested in dating an older guy and he continue to persist dropping the line "Age doesn't matter" and "It's only a number". Each time she heard a line, she'd roll her eyes in my direction. I just tried my hardest not to laugh. He was oblivious at the fact that she was not interested.

I'll give it to him, as dead as a doorknob as he was he just kept on going. He told her that he wanted to get to know her better and to prove that he was sincere, she could ask him anything she wanted. The girl was trying to be polite but a sly smile came across her face. This woman may have been young but she knew what she was doing.

First she asked him if he had kids. He stalled then answered yes. She shot back she's not interesting in being involved with someone that has kids.

Secondly she asked him if he had a job which he answered "Does that matter?". Nope, no job she says. LOL. He responds by saying "Why do I need a job to rap to a female." The balls on this guy. She told him that she won't waste any time with a person who doesn't have a job or isn't interesting in bettering themselves. Bravo!!!!!

Third, she asked if he was involved with anyone and he responded that he just broke up badly. She flips it around and asks him "How do you know you're ready for another relationship of your last one just ended badly" LOL. The dude just stood there not knowing what to say next. Boom!!!! He was flabbergasted as she got up and exited the bus.

Pilot to bombardier, pilot to bombardier, I'm hit..I'm hit...I'm going down...may-day, may-day...The dude crashed burned. Hahahahahaha.

FH

Dads Taking Care of the Business

It's always positive to see dad's with their kids especially when the child is an infant. So many children today are missing a positive male figure in their lives that when they have the opportunity to be that same type of male figure as an adult, more times than not they drop the ball. The kids need us dad's to be there through thick and thin, through good and bad
Any male can help make a child, it takes a Man to help raise a child. Keep doing right by your children guys, you'll have a much more fulfilling life when your child returns your effort with their love. I know my life is much more fulfilled.

FH

Buddy and the Rain

Tonight would be the kind of rainy night that I would try to take Buddy out for a walk and he'd just stand in the doorway under the awning. He'd give me the kind of look that would tell me "I don't want to go out there. It's raining". LOL. And I'd tell him to "go pee-pee" in the rain. He would grudgingly go and take a leak and come back smelling like what he was: A Wet Dog.

I miss that dang dog.

FH

The Smoker on the 6 Train

On my ride home after a slow Friday night a few weeks ago, my reading was rudely interrupted. An older black woman was talking out loud to herself. I would have made the assumption that she was mentally ill, drunk or just didn't give a damn. One by one the people who were seating near her got up and moved as she started to sing louder and louder off key. Another night on the Iron Horse. Right? 

So the woman ends her serenade by lighting up a cigarette. Immediately two people tell her that she shouldn't smoke that on the train. Now, maybe it's just me but if the woman was talking and singing out loud to herself what makes you think that she gives a damn what those two people thought. The woman let out an impressive stream of expletives directed to both of her antagonizers. I even had to take my headphones off to hear what she had to say. She continued on with her yelling while puffing away on the cigarette. Occasionally she would yell something un-intelligible to attract attention to herself. 

My thing is this, why would you even get into verbal confrontation with someone who might be unstable. Who knows what that woman is carrying that she can use to harm someone. Why would you put yourself in that situation. Do like the others did and move to the next car. It's really that simple. 

In the end, the woman adjusted her spring hat and decided to lay down and lounge like Cleopatra on a dais. Sometimes all you can do is just laugh and shake your head. You'll stay healthier by doing that. No?

FH

Bad Smelling Booty

As a bartender sometimes you're an unwilling eavesdropper to conversations between patrons. Here's an example of one such conversation.

Two dudes are sitting at the bar. Dude 1 is telling Dude 2 about this chick he happened to know and hooked up with. Dude 2 congratulates his buddy while Dude 1 cringes. Dude 2 notices and the following exchange goes down (with some paraphrasing):

Dude 2: Yo, what's with the cringing.

Dude 1: Remember that chick I told you about who I messed around with in my office

Dude 2: The Blonde? Yeah, what happened

Dude 1: Well last night we randomly met up at a bar near our job. After a few drinks we made our way back to my office.

Dude 2: Yeah?

Dude 1: Yeah (with a tone of disappoinment)

Dude 2: So what happened.

Dude 1: We messed around for a bit. She went down on me and that was cool.

Dude 2: Yeah? And?

Dude 1 hesitates for a second or two before cracking a hesitant smile.

Dude 2: Yo, you hit that?

Dude 1: Nah bro, this is what happened. She dropped her skirt and thong. Very sexy of her. She was somewhat of a jungle down there and to be honest, that doesn't bother me in the least.

Dude 2 Shakes his head in disagreement. Dude 1 continues.

Dude 1: So I go and try to return the favor and go down on her and she kinda smells...

Dude 2: Like what bro

Dude 1: Like what a street meat guy would smell like after spending a whole day cutting and cooking onions and garlic.

Even I had to stop and do a double take at his last comment. Now, if anyone seriously knows me, I have an issue with bad B.O. In this day and age it really shouldn't happen. There is way too much bargain priced deodorant available. But I digress.

Dude 2: Dude!!!!! She smelled like those old dudes we used to work with in the factory back in the days?

Dude 1: Exactly!!!

It brought back memories of my dad telling me about the old Europeans who worked in the silk and carpet factory. As he would say: Eso viejos tenian un grajo terrible (those old guys had terrible B.O.).

Dude 1 actually looked like he was going to hurl right there on the bar. I give him a glass of water which helps him with his gag reflex. After a minute he was able to continue.

Dude 1: I mean, she had been working all day and most of the night so I guess she wasn't exactly fresh down there but damn. What a turn off. That was some bad, bad smelling booty.

All Dude 2 could do was nod in agreement while pointing to me to refill their empty shot glasses. Dude 1 actually looked like he was going to hurl right there on the bar. I give him a glass of water which helps him with his gag reflex. After a minute he was able to continue.

It reminds me of the time a good friend told me about going down on this girl back in High School and she smelled so bad that he smelled like Pastrami and that he couldn't bring himself to eat pastrami since.

As amusing as it can be, sometimes its best not to hear what people are talking about.

FH

Line of the Night

Two dudes walk by and notice the No Clowns sign and yell out"No Clowns". A few minutes later they walk back and again yell out "No clowns"this time stopping to look into to window and say "There looks like there are alot of clowns in there". To which I answer "No worries fellas, I have room for two more" which not only got laughs from the smokers outside of the bar but the two dudes who made the no clowns reference. Glad to see people in NYC still have a sense of humor.

FH.

Entitlement

So he's a snippet of the entitlement issues we deal with on a daily basis. So this couple comes in and sits in the front booth. They are holding a large soda cup, the kind you would get at McDonalds. The waitress notices that they sit down and asks if they would like a drink. The woman answers "No" with an attitude. I get a gist of it and go up to be nosy. The man obviously went back to the bathroom while the woman waited for him.

When he came back, they get up to leave and I notice the soda cup was left on the table. I ask the man if that cup is his and with the same attitude his companion had answers me testily with a "Yes". I politely ask him to please take his cup with him and incredulously he asks me "Well where do you want me to take it". I point to the garbage can outside and say "You can throw it out there". He huffs while picking up the cup and storms out of the bar. 

I mean really folks, you come into a somewhat busy bar, take up a table, use the bathroom, don't buy any drinks and then expect us to clean up after you? Come on. I don't know what world you live in, but that shit doesn't fly in mine. 

FH