The Smell Was Intoxicating

The smell was intoxicating. Seven caramel colored Latina ladies entered the train on 14th Street. One more prettier than the next. Their perfume interminging with each others becoming one sweet scent. Different heights, different color hair of varied lengths and styles. Blue jeans, tights, slacks, white pants, leather jackets, trenchcoats, half length, full length, heels, boots, and flats. All seven had one thing in common. Femininity. Pure and sexual. On the prowl on this Sunday evening. The boys out need to watch out. Names will be taken, Notches cut out of their belts and hearts will be broken. Good times had by all. Well, maybe for some.

FH

Can I Bribe You?

It really is amazing how certain people feel that they can try to bribe you with money to break the rules that will get me and my co-workers fined and fired. Night in and night out someone comes along with a fake ID and tries their hardest to get one over on the door staff. I wonder how they would feel if i did the same thing to them where they work. Would they be so willing to put their job at risk for me? I don't think so. And then people wonder why I don't trust many people.

FH

Trying to Hook Up While on the Bus

After my excursion to the Bronx Zoo, I catch the Bx39 to go home. The bus was unusually full and after making my way to the back, I walk into the motions of a modern day Don Juan trying to hook up with a young lady. Here is how it went.

The dude started yapping away that he could guess her age. Bad enough he tried that tact, which by the way never leads to anything positive, he was way off on her age. About 10 years too many. He said she was 30 when she was actually 20. Figuring the young lady would like an older man, he told her he was 32. He actually looked closer to 40. I can say that since I check ID's and I have a better sense of guessing ages. But I digress. She told him that she wasn't interested in dating an older guy and he continue to persist dropping the line "Age doesn't matter" and "It's only a number". Each time she heard a line, she'd roll her eyes in my direction. I just tried my hardest not to laugh. He was oblivious at the fact that she was not interested.

I'll give it to him, as dead as a doorknob as he was he just kept on going. He told her that he wanted to get to know her better and to prove that he was sincere, she could ask him anything she wanted. The girl was trying to be polite but a sly smile came across her face. This woman may have been young but she knew what she was doing.

First she asked him if he had kids. He stalled then answered yes. She shot back she's not interesting in being involved with someone that has kids.

Secondly she asked him if he had a job which he answered "Does that matter?". Nope, no job she says. LOL. He responds by saying "Why do I need a job to rap to a female." The balls on this guy. She told him that she won't waste any time with a person who doesn't have a job or isn't interesting in bettering themselves. Bravo!!!!!

Third, she asked if he was involved with anyone and he responded that he just broke up badly. She flips it around and asks him "How do you know you're ready for another relationship of your last one just ended badly" LOL. The dude just stood there not knowing what to say next. Boom!!!! He was flabbergasted as she got up and exited the bus.

Pilot to bombardier, pilot to bombardier, I'm hit..I'm hit...I'm going down...may-day, may-day...The dude crashed burned. Hahahahahaha.

FH

Dads Taking Care of the Business

It's always positive to see dad's with their kids especially when the child is an infant. So many children today are missing a positive male figure in their lives that when they have the opportunity to be that same type of male figure as an adult, more times than not they drop the ball. The kids need us dad's to be there through thick and thin, through good and bad
Any male can help make a child, it takes a Man to help raise a child. Keep doing right by your children guys, you'll have a much more fulfilling life when your child returns your effort with their love. I know my life is much more fulfilled.

FH

Buddy and the Rain

Tonight would be the kind of rainy night that I would try to take Buddy out for a walk and he'd just stand in the doorway under the awning. He'd give me the kind of look that would tell me "I don't want to go out there. It's raining". LOL. And I'd tell him to "go pee-pee" in the rain. He would grudgingly go and take a leak and come back smelling like what he was: A Wet Dog.

I miss that dang dog.

FH

The Smoker on the 6 Train

On my ride home after a slow Friday night a few weeks ago, my reading was rudely interrupted. An older black woman was talking out loud to herself. I would have made the assumption that she was mentally ill, drunk or just didn't give a damn. One by one the people who were seating near her got up and moved as she started to sing louder and louder off key. Another night on the Iron Horse. Right? 

So the woman ends her serenade by lighting up a cigarette. Immediately two people tell her that she shouldn't smoke that on the train. Now, maybe it's just me but if the woman was talking and singing out loud to herself what makes you think that she gives a damn what those two people thought. The woman let out an impressive stream of expletives directed to both of her antagonizers. I even had to take my headphones off to hear what she had to say. She continued on with her yelling while puffing away on the cigarette. Occasionally she would yell something un-intelligible to attract attention to herself. 

My thing is this, why would you even get into verbal confrontation with someone who might be unstable. Who knows what that woman is carrying that she can use to harm someone. Why would you put yourself in that situation. Do like the others did and move to the next car. It's really that simple. 

In the end, the woman adjusted her spring hat and decided to lay down and lounge like Cleopatra on a dais. Sometimes all you can do is just laugh and shake your head. You'll stay healthier by doing that. No?

FH

Bad Smelling Booty

As a bartender sometimes you're an unwilling eavesdropper to conversations between patrons. Here's an example of one such conversation.

Two dudes are sitting at the bar. Dude 1 is telling Dude 2 about this chick he happened to know and hooked up with. Dude 2 congratulates his buddy while Dude 1 cringes. Dude 2 notices and the following exchange goes down (with some paraphrasing):

Dude 2: Yo, what's with the cringing.

Dude 1: Remember that chick I told you about who I messed around with in my office

Dude 2: The Blonde? Yeah, what happened

Dude 1: Well last night we randomly met up at a bar near our job. After a few drinks we made our way back to my office.

Dude 2: Yeah?

Dude 1: Yeah (with a tone of disappoinment)

Dude 2: So what happened.

Dude 1: We messed around for a bit. She went down on me and that was cool.

Dude 2: Yeah? And?

Dude 1 hesitates for a second or two before cracking a hesitant smile.

Dude 2: Yo, you hit that?

Dude 1: Nah bro, this is what happened. She dropped her skirt and thong. Very sexy of her. She was somewhat of a jungle down there and to be honest, that doesn't bother me in the least.

Dude 2 Shakes his head in disagreement. Dude 1 continues.

Dude 1: So I go and try to return the favor and go down on her and she kinda smells...

Dude 2: Like what bro

Dude 1: Like what a street meat guy would smell like after spending a whole day cutting and cooking onions and garlic.

Even I had to stop and do a double take at his last comment. Now, if anyone seriously knows me, I have an issue with bad B.O. In this day and age it really shouldn't happen. There is way too much bargain priced deodorant available. But I digress.

Dude 2: Dude!!!!! She smelled like those old dudes we used to work with in the factory back in the days?

Dude 1: Exactly!!!

It brought back memories of my dad telling me about the old Europeans who worked in the silk and carpet factory. As he would say: Eso viejos tenian un grajo terrible (those old guys had terrible B.O.).

Dude 1 actually looked like he was going to hurl right there on the bar. I give him a glass of water which helps him with his gag reflex. After a minute he was able to continue.

Dude 1: I mean, she had been working all day and most of the night so I guess she wasn't exactly fresh down there but damn. What a turn off. That was some bad, bad smelling booty.

All Dude 2 could do was nod in agreement while pointing to me to refill their empty shot glasses. Dude 1 actually looked like he was going to hurl right there on the bar. I give him a glass of water which helps him with his gag reflex. After a minute he was able to continue.

It reminds me of the time a good friend told me about going down on this girl back in High School and she smelled so bad that he smelled like Pastrami and that he couldn't bring himself to eat pastrami since.

As amusing as it can be, sometimes its best not to hear what people are talking about.

FH

Line of the Night

Two dudes walk by and notice the No Clowns sign and yell out"No Clowns". A few minutes later they walk back and again yell out "No clowns"this time stopping to look into to window and say "There looks like there are alot of clowns in there". To which I answer "No worries fellas, I have room for two more" which not only got laughs from the smokers outside of the bar but the two dudes who made the no clowns reference. Glad to see people in NYC still have a sense of humor.

FH.

Entitlement

So he's a snippet of the entitlement issues we deal with on a daily basis. So this couple comes in and sits in the front booth. They are holding a large soda cup, the kind you would get at McDonalds. The waitress notices that they sit down and asks if they would like a drink. The woman answers "No" with an attitude. I get a gist of it and go up to be nosy. The man obviously went back to the bathroom while the woman waited for him.

When he came back, they get up to leave and I notice the soda cup was left on the table. I ask the man if that cup is his and with the same attitude his companion had answers me testily with a "Yes". I politely ask him to please take his cup with him and incredulously he asks me "Well where do you want me to take it". I point to the garbage can outside and say "You can throw it out there". He huffs while picking up the cup and storms out of the bar. 

I mean really folks, you come into a somewhat busy bar, take up a table, use the bathroom, don't buy any drinks and then expect us to clean up after you? Come on. I don't know what world you live in, but that shit doesn't fly in mine. 

FH

What Does Full Mean

There are times when the small patch of paradise known as the Bleecker Street bar gets so packed that a fart has a hard time coming up for air. Last night was one of those nights. After the snoozefest known as the NCAA Final Four ended, we got super slammed. 

Since I was at the door and not behind the bar, I can't say if the $$$ reflected that it was slammed, but in terms of bodies the front of the bar was jammed. Now, here's the thing about the bar. I would describe it in three basic parts. One is the front of the bar, the dart area and the pool room. While a bottleneck does tend to occur at times at the area between the front room and the dart area, the real logjam usually happens in the front of the bar near the door. That's exactly how it was tonight. People just congregated at the front door giving the illusion to those passing by that we were indeed super full though the dart area and the pool room were quite empty. 

Now being the responsible doorman/bouncer that I am (yes folks, no modesty here), I took it upon myself (as Head of Security I can do that) to close the door. Packing the front like a jumbo sized can of sardines by continuing to let people in is definitely negligence. At some point making money has to take a backseat to public safety. People who are drinking can't see that past the Jägerbomb they are consuming to realize that. It takes a party-pooper like me to deal with it. So I just stood in front of the door and didn't let anyone in. Most people either decided to go somewhere else, wait patiently or annoy the living hell out of me. 

Those who chose to annoy me could go jump of a cliff. Jackwipes. Its amazing how the feeling of entitlement some people have really cloud their views of reality. If I tell you that I am currently over capacity and that letting anyone else in would be a fire hazard and irresponsible why does that give you license to say its ok for me to let you in since friends of yours are inside. To continue to plead your case and having your friend come out and help you plead your case since you were Pre-Law for one semester in your sophomore year in college. 

Here's another one, four girls are outside and start counting the people who leave. Surprising that some of these chicks could count past four, what makes them think that I am waiting for exactly four people to leave just to immediately let them in. That defeats the purpose of regulating the door. No?

One of my "favorites" (well, not really) is the question: well how long will it take. Um, sorry to be crass, do you ask the person sitting on the bowl that you want to occupy how long are they going to take to take a crap? It comes out when it comes out. The same applies to crowds in bars. Some people leave as little individual turds and some leave as long groups stuck together. Get my drift? Apparently those on line didn't. There is no timeframe. People leave when they are ready. Ok, here's the line of the night. 

So I tell a group of young ladies that I can't let them in because the bar is full. One of them says to her friend: What does "full" mean. Does anyone pay attention in school anymore? Shit, my kids could tell me what full meant when they were kindergarten. Here's how I defined the word from the Sisco Dictionary of Bouncers for Morons: 

Full means that you'll have wait out here until I say you can come in. The safety of many is worth more than you wanting to come in and have a drink with your friends. The bar is full and the door is closed.

Well, after a few eye rolls in my direction, the chicks had no choice to wait. Sometimes I wish I had a velvet rope and a yardstick while at the front door. What a bunch of self entitled morons some of the future generation are. 

Like my recently passed friend Dan Corvino would say: OH MARRÓN. Yes Dan, you'd have shook your head in disbelief and laughed tremendously at that chick for that one while admiring her bone structure. You'd have had to know Dan Corvino to get that reference.  

Well folks, that marks the end to another Saturday night in the big city. Night night.

FH